Navigating the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
